The Blue Butterfly

I am not an all knowing being. I find no shame in admitting this. I am very intelligent, I have a vast amount of knowledge, much of which will never be useful to me and I like to consider myself at least a little wise in the ways of the world. However I am currently being presented with a situation that I have no idea how to deal with.

To make a long story short yesterday for no real apparent reason I kissed Yan. I don't understand it. When he kissed me I was repulsed, and only hours before I kissed him I had been equally as repulsed when he was getting close to me as if he meant to kiss me again. I had pushed him off the arm of the chair where he was sitting which I did apologize for later. But as he hugged me and wished me goodnight there was just something... I didn't understand.

I'm not attracted to him, he is obnoxious, entirely too loud and foreward and were he our age his whoring would put Donovan's to shame. I'll admit he is physically very beautiful though, and I can only assume that his looks are appealing to some part of me I've never really had to deal with before. I would prefer if it simply went away.

I have lived for over 400 years. I have died, become human again and died again. I went 50 years without a body. With all of this I have never experienced the trauma that I am being forced to live through right now! This trauma's name is Yan.

I don't know what posessed zim to take him in. His flirtatious nature puts Donovan's to shame, and it seems that he has picked me as his favorite target. Oh he flirts with Donovan and Key but apparently he respects their relationship, so since I'm the only single one here I'm the one getting screwed over.

This man frustrates me to the point where I can't even think of the words to articulate it! Not even Donovan manages to do that!

Yesterday Yan decided it would be a good idea to kiss me. I have made it perfectly clear that I am not interested in him or any man (or woman) for that matter.

Damnit, why me?

zim has been abuzz about something lately and it has me nervous. Perhaps I'm over reacting but any time that odd little woman gets overly excited it seems to mean that it's involving us in some way. I'd like to think it's just that she bought us some new things but I somehow doubt it.

I've been writing lately, planning my "memoirs" I guess. In all honesty it's nothing all that eloquent, just an account of the things that have happened over the course of my life. It's made me realize that I'm not that interesting of a person, you know other than being an ex vampire zombie who didn't have a body for the past fifty years and has moderate psychic abilities.

They're getting stronger you know, I don't know if it has to do with the body or not, but I can now communicate with people telepathically. I've been able to do so with Donovan for a while but I always thought it was simply our bond that made it possible. The other day however I was making a mental note to ask Mir something and was very surprised when he came downstairs to answer me.

Okay I'm going to go back to playing with zim's Neopets now. She gave me her username and password and I'll admit I've been having a lot more fun on this website than expected. I'll play until Mir comes and wants to play anyway.

Getting my own body had been wonderful but there have been some unforseen side effects. For instance I now have an uncontrollable urge for tea. I don't have to eat or drink, but I can if I wish (Donovan's the same way, though he does have to drink blood) and suddenly it's as if I have a need for tea. This also brings about the whole issue of using the bathroom, something I obviously hadn't done for a little over fifty years. Oh of course it isn't something you forget how to do, but the fact that you suddenly need to do it is a bit of an eye opener.

Then there's another side effect that isn't so easy to talk about. I keep telling myself it's just a phase, that it will go away just as it always has on the rare occasion when my mind wanders... It's true of course, it will go away. While it's here however it's hell. And no, I'm not talking about the need for sex, I still don't understand Donovan's fascination with such a disgusting act. I'm just so lonely sometimes. It's the need for companionship that is currently driving me crazy, but I know that if I just wait it will go away.

On some level I hate to admit this but I watch a lot of television. It's not that I feel it's beneath me or anything, I just never saw myself as one who could spend hours staring at a screen in hopes of it entertaining me. Still, when you don't have anything else to occupy your mind it's a good way to kill time. It also can occasionally cause one to think.

I don't understand this need for emotional attachment that people seem to have. Don't get me wrong, I'm very emotionally attached to my brother, and I'm fond of those I live with but the bond required for a meaningful relationshp is something I've never understood. I've never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend) and I've never desired one. When Donovan and I were human and he was head over heels in love with his fiance I was happy for him but I didn't really "get" it. I couldn't understand how he would want to get married at seventeen when there was so much more to be studied and a whole world out there to see. I especially do not understand his current relationship, which if you think about it realistically you'll realize could only end in heartbreak. Eventually Key will grow old and die while Donovan continues to live without him. I know my brother, and I know that losing Key or myself could be the end of him. I dread the day that something happens to that human of his.

Does it mean I am lacking in something that I've never wanted anything more than friendship from someone? Even friends are few and far between for me, I've had only a few over the course of my lifetime.

Oh well, I don't suppose it really means anything. I don't feel like I'm lacking in something and that's what matters, right?

A long time ago when Donovan and I were alive we were raised in a Jewish household. I long abandoned the faith and all belief in God on the basis that I was an abomination and therefore had no place in any faith. Besides, what God would allow something like me to exist? I'm not even a vampire anymore, I am literally the walking dead, a zombie but without that need for brains that they always talk about on television. I wonder if that's just a myth altogether. Maybe there are others like me out there that have no desire to eat anything, especially human brains. That's just gross. I'll take a cup of tea with a bit of lemon thank you, you can keep the brains.

Anyway Donovan never gave up our beliefs, or so he says. We both know that he holds onto his faith as simply the last thing connecting him to his humanity, but we don't really acknowledge it. He's not hurting anyone after all... at least not in most cases. Today however is Yom Kippur, the day when Donovan is the biggest pain in the ass ever. He's fasting, which is really rather ridiculous considering the only thing he truly needs is blood and he'd fed recently. The fasting isn't necessary at all at this point. This however means no coffee which he is very cranky without, even if it is all in his head. Most importantly it means that he has to keep his hands to himself, which even before he and Key "went all the way" would have been hard for him. He's basically been spending the entire day locked in his room and Key's been spending it with Mir. It only lasts until tonight however so all will be back to normal (whatever that means) soon enough.

I never realized how much I tended to ramble until I started writing in this thing. I suppose that's okay though, after all it's mine and I can do what I want with it.

And they're back! I never thought I would be so relieved to see that overly exciteable woman. Of course Mir was happy to be home and immediately started telling us all about the trip, then passed out within an hour. He's a sweet kid, I'm glad Donovan found him, though I do sometimes wonder about his past. I don't dare try to find out myself, I refuse to look into someone else's mind without their permission and besides, the minds of children are always very complicated and disjointed.

So Donovan and Key are back to keeping their business behind closed doors and I have now been reminded that the greatest peace and quiet comes late at night when everyone is in bed. It's times like these when I'm glad I don't sleep.

zim, her boyfriend and Mir are gone for the weekend so I thought maybe it would be peaceful around the house. I was wrong.

Dear God do Donovan and Key ever get tired? I've resorted to simply staying downstairs and hoping they keep their "activities" to the bedroom, though really it's just best to avoid whatever room they're in altogether. I do have to give Key credit though, he tries to be discreet but I'd learned long ago simply by observing my brother (not like that you perverts) that Donovan can be very persuasive. I'm just glad he's only being persuasive with one person now, it's nice to see him finally settle down. Honestly, if vampires could get STDs my dear brother would probably be breeding new ones.

To change topics, I have aquired a stuffed bunny. Yes it is a bunny, it is not a rabbit. It is my bunny and I will not tolerate anyone taking it from me. zim gave it to me the other night and it's odd that I've become so attached to a simple stuffed toy. Perhaps it's because it's my first gift since gaining my own body, or it could simply be the fact that it's ridiculously soft and I've never owned one before. Either way, it's mine and if you take it I will give you the worst headache of your life. I believe my abilities are getting better and ask Donovan, I can give a person a mean headache.

Oh lovely, the lovebirds have decided to join me. I'm going before the nausea hits.

Perhaps I am being a little hasty but the excitement of finally having my own fingers to type with has lead me to get my own Live Journal. I don't know how often it will get used but I do have things to say and I am interested in sharing those things with the world. After all, if the world doesn't want to see it they can simply ignore it, right? So what to start off with?

My name is Leo. My name is not Leon, Leonard or Leonardo, it is simply Leo. I also don't have a last name. Once upon a time I had one but that was long ago and I feel no attachment to it any longer. If a last name is called for I simply use the name Mirela.

Mirela was the name of the only human I have ever truly loved. That sounds terribly romantic doesn't it? Well text can be deceiving, I assure you. I loved Mirela as I would a relative, someone who cared for me, taught me and treated me like a human being despite the fact that I wasn't one. When I was a vampire she took me in and helped give me a life outside of the disease I was a slave to. I lived with her for five years until my brother came and found me, requesting I come back to stay with him. Donovan has never done well at being alone, even if he pretends to be okay with it. As much as I hate immortality I know that Donovan would be lost without me. In a way it's almost comforting.

I live in a house with my vampire brother Donovan, his lover (a human) Key, Mir who is a human child and Edward. Edward is a mystery to us as he has been with us for two days now and has yet to speak. He's simply a head as I had been but he is alive, I can tell. I suppose he just doesn't have a reason to speak yet. Watching over us all is zim, who is content to stay on the sidelines of our lives for the most part. I'm not sure how often she'll be mentioned.

With all this talk of vampires and whatnot you may be wondering what on earth I'm talking about. Well when Donovan and I were seventeen we were both changed into vampires. I detested my "life" from that point on and fifty or so years ago I drank what I thought would be a cure for vampirism. For a couple days I did indeed live as a human and it was wonderful but soon my body began to decay. In the end Donovan saved me the only way he knew how, he tried to turn me back into a vampire. Unfortunately my blood had already become so polluted that I simply became a living corpse instead, and one without a body at that. I am now what you might call a zombie, and finally I have a body of my own.

I'm aware that this has been terribly disjointed but I confess that my mind is a bit all over the place right now. Eventually I'm sure I will be able to get it all out of my system. I'll see you then.